Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Scene From A Funeral

[from the cover of Countdown #43, on sale in a week]



ROBIN: Okay, Wonder Girl, I've kept my eyes closed, what's the big surprise?

WONDER GIRL: Mmm, you smell so good.

R: I know.

WG: No, really. Really good. Strong.

R: It's Bat-Cologne. Now what's the surprise?

WG: Okay, open your eyes.

R: Oh. Oh god. Is, is that the Flash?

WG: Yes. Robin-- Tim. Bart is dead.

R: I know. They called me.

WG: They called you?

R: Well, ye--

WG: And they didn't call me?

R: You were busy. Fighting the Amazons. Or on the side of the Amazons. We weren't sure. How is that going, by the way?

WG: Don't change the subject. You knew?

R: Cassie, it happened two weeks ago. Jeez, look what they did to him. Burned and frozen and fried.

BEAST BOY: Yeah, but it was all the kicking that did it.

R: Oh hey Gar. Did you arrange this?

BB: Yeah...

R: Couldn't you have given him a closed casket funeral?

BB: ...

WG: Oh Tim! Another one of us is dead.

R: I know.

WG: First Superb--

BB: Shhh!

WG: I mean, Conner. Now Bart. Oh, why me?

R: Hey, I lost them too--

WG: But I loved them!

R: Are we really going to play this game?

WG: What game?

R: Whose life sucks more?

WG: You can't understand what I'm going through!

R: Are you sh**ing me? In the last few years, I've lost Bart, and Conner, and my FATHER, and my STEP-MOTHER, and my GIRLFRIEND, and my OTHER girlfriend, not to mention a whole CITY! What have you lost? You're a daughter of Zeus and a Wonder Woman-in-training: what do you care about us mortals?

BB: Tim, I understand. I lost my mother a few years ago...

R: Yeah? So did I, b****, but yours came back, didn't she?

BB: ..she might be crazy...

SPEEDY: I have A.I.D.S.

WG: Yes, we know.

S: No, guys, I mean, I have A.I.D.S. I'm dying. I'm going to be next.

R: Oh jeez, thanks. Like I wasn't depressed enough.

[Pause]

WG: Oh, I have an idea!

R: No.

WG: You didn't even let me tell you--

R: You want to bring Bart back from the dead.

WG: Well, why not?

BB: Because last time you tried to do that, you were brainwashed by a cult for a year and then later fell for a homicidal bizarro clone.

WG: But this time is different. THIS time we'll... we'll all hold up lighting rods! Yeah, and when the lightning hits our rods the energy will flow through us and give Bart back his life!

[Pause]

BB: Cassie, that is the f***ing stupidest idea I have ever heard.

WG: Can I help it if I want to do something? I'm losing friends left and right. Who will I lose next? What if it's Anita, or Greta? Oh my god, what if it's Cissie? Oh, how could I ever replace Arrowette?

S: Hey!

WG: Or when... A.I.D.S.-Lass here finally buys it, are we just going to let that happen too?

R: Cass, calm down.

WG: No, I will NOT calm down. You're right. I'm a goddess.

BB: Demi-goddess.

WG: I've been to Hell. I've punched Hades in the face. I have the power to do something about this and I WILL!

[WONDER GIRL flies away]

CYBORG'S CROTCH: That's not going to end well. Should we say something?

RAVEN'S CROTCH: Shhh! If we keep quiet, maybe they won't notice us.

6 comments:

Kevin Huxford said...

Wow. That was pretty damn good. :)

Anonymous said...

54 lines of dialogue:worth a few laughs.
Talking crotches? Priceless.

Blockade Boy said...

Now I'm dying! (Of laughter.)

I see Wonder Girl wore her formal funeral ass-hugging jeans.

SallyP said...

Now, I don't have to buy the book! Yours is already better, and probably has more plot.

Tina said...

Caught on Google, glad I surfed in! ((^_-)) I truly wish Tim would just outgrow this...

Rob Rogers said...

Okay, I'm a lot of months late. But that's damn funny. Thanks.