Friday, May 18, 2007

NOTHING WILL BE THE SAME!

This just in:

MARVEL UNIVERSE TO CHANGE! AGAIN!

Here, let me take a crack at guessing the "shocking revelation" that "everything has been leading to" but at the same time "you never saw coming":

Wanda "Deus Ex Machina" Maximoff reappears, mutters "No more...

...superheroes"

and everything goes white!

LINE WIDE CROSSOVER! EVERY BOOK RETITLED AND RE-GENRE'D!

Amazing Spider-Man is now "Picture Perfect," rom-com about struggling photographer and model/actress wife!

New Avengers is now "Avengers," police procedural about an elite F.B.I. squad!

Wolverine is now "Logan's Run," Keuroac-ian stories about a surly tough who rides across America, living and loving!

Uncanny X-Men is now "Gifted," high-school dramedy about students at a boarding school for troubled geniuses!

Captain America is now "Captain Rogers," 80 year old World War II veteran solves murders in small town!

Fantastic Four is now "Weird Chemistry," work place comedy about a science lab!

The Incredible Hulk is now "Banner," dark drama of man dealing with his violent tendencies!

Iron Man is now "Gears of Industry," political drama of weapons manufacturer with a conscience set in today's high tension climate!

and so on and so forth...

For six straight months, Marvel will truly change their universe by publishing NO SUPERHERO BOOKS, forcing the retailers who buy only DC and Marvel books to stock something different and making Marvel Zombies discover how many other types of stories can be told in the comics format, and hopefully getting those same readers to admit they can enjoy a comic book, even if it doesn't involve someone in tights shooting lasers out their eyes!

Oh, if only...

9 comments:

Philip Looney said...

I would buy all of those titles.

Bill Reed said...

My God,t hat would be brilliant.

I especially love Captain Rogers. If Jessica Fletcher was played by Fred Rogers...

Fritz said...

Holy crap! That's a company wide crossover that would actually be worth it! Well played, sir, well played.

Sleestak said...

And Wanda says "No more super-heroes!"
The world goes white...

In the new reality Logan still has claws of some sort even though they would be horribly inefficient and useless weapons because the fanboys can't do without the slashy-slashy.

Filby said...

That would actually be a pretty cool, "Earth-Prime"-like alternate universe.

Yook said...

Y'know, I'd probably buy all of those comics for the entire six months. Just for the novelty of it. Doubleplusgood if the comics were actually good. Guh. Why can't you be in charge of comics? Or me?

Michael Hoskin said...

Isn't it more likely that such an event would convince Marvel Zombies to give DC a try?

Steven said...

To most of you: thanks. I tried to keep the characters the same, so they'd still be recognizably Peter Parker or Steve Rogers, but just eliminate the truly fantastic (and if I could remove the characters from crime stories completely and still have compelling stories to tell, so much the better).

Sleestak: I figured Logan would carry blade hidden up his sleeve... for much the same reason you suggest.

Michael Hoskin: Does it hurt when you miss the point that badly?

Michael Hoskin said...

I have a bad habit of taking people literally.

Is your point that the Marvel Zombies would blindly buy books with the same titles as their favorites regardless of the actual content?