As Seen on the Daily Show

Not to go all Warren Ellis or anything but seriously: What year is this?

Thirteen "suspected sorcerers" have been arrested in the Congo for "stealing or shrinking penises".

Strangely enough, the arrests are the most rational part of the story, since arresting these "suspected sorcerers" is the best way of protecting innocent people, usually foreigners, from being beaten and burned by angry mobs spurred on by panicked men screaming that their penises have vanished.

It's straight out of Monty Python's Holy Grail, including the part where the police try to explain to the "victim" that he still has a penis, and is not believed.

Maybe the worst part of the story, this strange brew of superstition, sexual anxiety, paranoia, xenophobia, and just out and out ignorance, is that it's not an isolated incident: it's common. In 2001 in Benin, in 1997 in Ghana, in China and the Sudan, wherever understanding of human anatomy is low, this pattern repeats and repeats.

It's sickening and depressing. People are dying because no one took these men aside during puberty and said "Penises shrink. It happens. Sometime it's anxiety, sometimes it's just cold. Here, watch this episode of Seinfeld."

People, we need to talk frankly about sex. People have to learn how their bodies work. Sex is how we as a species survive, it's built into our notions of romantic love and gender dynamics. If people grow up not understanding one of the most vital parts of living, they are going to just be fucked up, and more people are going to die because some idiot stayed in a cold shower too long.

Why the Cover for Heroes for Hire #13 is Wrong

I find it hard to believe that people actually don't understand what's wrong with this cover:

Those are our Heroes (for Hire) being threatened with rape on the cover.

The selling point of this comic is that you might see one of these busty women raped. By a tentacled beast. That's just repulsive.

If you don't object to this cover because you don't recognize it as rape, you're either blind or in denial. I mean, look at it. Red-eyed voyeurs watch while grotesque phalluses strip Colleen Wing on the right and drip white slime on Black Cat's exposed cleavage on the left. The image could not be more explicitly sexual and threatening while still being displayed with Amazing Spider-Man.

Maybe you do recognize it as rape, but say, "so what? There's racks and racks of tentacle porn manga being sold. Why is this cover wrong?" Because this isn't a porn comic! It's a superhero adventure comic, and the image doesn't even match the solicitation copy. Which means it's just false advertising, playing on the worst desires of fan boys.

These aren't La Blue Girl, who exists to be tentacle raped. These are supposedly superheroes, people who protect others from rape. To show them as potential victims, to make their (potential) rape a sales feature, denies them of their capability as heroes and their existence as developed characters, and makes them into sex toys, to be leered at.

You want to know how you know it's wrong? Because a cover like this would never grace a book about men. You just wouldn't see a cover where Danny Rand hangs naked from a chain while a tentacle wipes itself off on Luke Cage's bare chest.

I mean, take a look at these Marvel covers from last year (a few covers down, where Spencer Carnage presciently forecasts Marvel's turn to hentai). They all feature heroes being threatened by tentacles or snakes, but all of the men are fighting back! Are these women fighting back? No, of course not. They're passed out or frozen in terror or cowering in fear. And it doesn't help that Black Cat, the cowering woman, was recently revealed to be a rape survivor. I mean, that's just wrong.

Look, I'm not one who says rape flat out doesn't belong in superhero stories. I actually enjoyed Identity Crisis and the "Trial of Starfox" arc in She-Hulk. But I do feel it's a very emotional issue and should be used sparingly and carefully and most importantly, should never be a sales feature unless your comic actually is porn.

New Moon

In honor of the anniversary of the birth of Lisa Fortuner, I present the first appearance of Kyle Rayner's butt:



And again, in close up:



Happy birthday, foul one! Keep on keeping on!

It GLOWS?

That kind of love requires a shot of penicillin!

The All Nude Atom

After yesterday's post, I think it important to point out that DC isn't limiting its reader education program to the female anatomy. From the cover of the All-New Atom #8:

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:

the penis!

Jesus, Gail, enough with the naked superheroes!

(thanks, Dorian, for the catch!)

Dear Maxine Hunkel

I'm looking forward to meeting you.

I like your influences, both the original and the robotic Red Tornadoes, and from what little I've seen of you, you strike me as a fun character, a cheerful presence that the Justice Society and the DCU in general just doesn't have enough of.

And let me tell, I LOVE your costume. It might just be my thing for redheads, but well, look at you.


Your hair is shiny and voluminous, your wrap is playing in the wind, and I like the tornado symbol on your chest. You even remembered to smile for your portrait, which is more than I can say for that grump Hawkman.

Though, if I can offer some advice: I know you're super excited about joining one of the big teams and having your own superhero codename ("Cyclone," I like), but please remember to put on some underwear before going out to fight crime.

No reason for Solomon Grundy to get a peak at your secret garden.

(by the way, three makes it a conspiracy, so I have a new tag)

BOOBIES! Also: Hypertime

There's a lot of interesting stuff at this interview with Kurt Busiek at Newsarama, including an image (via Shane) which will almost certainly be pulled down which has already been re-edited by DC publicity by the time you read this. (but Shane has the original. hee hee)

Second most interesting to me, of course, is Kurt Busiek's post Infinite Crisis instructions from DC Editorial:

Infinite Crisis was the moment where DC kind of threw everything up in the air and said, "Okay, guys, pull it all back together again. You can pick bits from anywhere – from the comics, the movies, the cartoons, whatever – and polish it all up and make it go."

(emphasis mine)

... which is a lot like my understanding of how Hypertime works.

There's a lot there, with some really interesting stuff about the Lois/Clark relationship, the super-brain, the Silver Twist(?), and how it all relates to Superman: Secret Identity.

Also: boobies.

By the Stones of the Infinite

Occasionally when reading fantasy, an author creates an image, an idea of such cosmic horror that the mere contemplation of which could drive men mad.

Whether it is the gruesome Grand Guignol of a Stephen King novel, the more metaphysic disorientation of H. P. Lovecraft's non-Euclidian worlds, or the stark depths of human cruelty detailed by Edgar Allan Poe, you read things that make you question the sanity, the morality, the very humanity of the author.

I came across one of those ideas today. One of the writers of 52 not only conceived this mind-killing meme, but decided to write it down and share it with over 100,000 comic book readers. Who was it? I want to know who is responsible for making me consider Darkseid's testicles.

Let me repeat that.

DARKSEID'S





TESTICLES!



And I thought "Screech Sex Tape" was going to be the scariest idea I would confront today.

All Hail!

Greg Horn has gotten a lot of flack for drawing cheesecake covers on She-Hulk which misrepresent the actual content of the book and drive off women who would otherwise enjoy the book.

So I wanted to give a shout out to Mr. Horn for this cover:


That's some good work right there. You immediately get the spy thriller genre of the issue. Jen Walters, the She-Hulk, looks strong and confident, even a little bored, as she glides through the air on seemingly insubstantial wings. Plus all the black and white swirls immediately recall Jim Steranko's trippy covers for Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. All in all, it's nice to see Horn get away from his "boobs sell" mentality and deliver a solid cover that really tells the reader what the book's about...


... what's this? In the corner? Can we get a close up?



Yeah. Uh huh... could you zoom in a little more? Enhance that a bit?

ALL HAIL THE HYPNO-CHEST!