I'm off to our nation's capital for Independence Day.
I just wanted to wish all a happy Fourth of July! Light a roman candle for me, and remember to never give up the never-ending battle for Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness!
First up, a big ole' shout out to those of you who helped out with the first Monday Morning Macking! You guys are P. I. M. P.
Secondly, those of you who didn't get your shwerve on last week needs to get in the game! Maybe it's because you're happy just punching people:
But let's face it, if you're only joy in life is smacking around the elderly, someday things are just not going to go well and you're going to end up hurting your friends and family:
What you need is a good man in your life; someone to keep you sane, keep you sober:
And then you can be happy just being yourself:
So if you want to really make the world a better place, why don't you let your readers know how to put a little love in their lives.
oh, and get. It. ON.
or: Friday Night Fights: Return of the King edition
The true warrior knows that he is never unarmed.
Though he may lack sword, and shield, and spear, a warrior always retains his hands and feet.
And teeth:
Yes, that's King Shark biting the face off of madman and consummate douchebag Black Manta.
Frankly, I'm surprised he didn't like the taste. I've always heard once you go black, you never go back.
p.s. If you enjoy starting your weekend with Friday Night Fights, you might also enjoy closing them with my own Monday Morning Macking. Make Love, AND War.
HO. LEE. CRAP.
I got some comics this week that just FLOORED me.
Okay, Amazons Attacks #3 kind of treaded water and The Boys #8 had nothing like the first page of The Boys #7. And the most shocking page of Wonder Woman #10 was the DC Nation page where Matt Idelson is still asking what to do about late books in a book that's two weeks late, edited by Matt Idelson. Nice.
But the OTHER books I got were fast moving books chock full of character and plot, that then socked me in the gut.
She-Hulk 19, the one with the amazing cover, not only has a brilliant and surprisingly action packed trial of the villainous Leader, it also features the long in the works resolution of the She-Hulk/Jen Walters duel identity issue that's been the under current since Dan Slott's first issue three years ago. But I wasn't prepared for that last page reveal, the final fate of Stu Cicero, the comic book nerd too smart for his own good. What horror!
And Blue Beetle #16 is a running battle between Eclipso and Traci 13, last seen in Azzarello and Chang's mindblowing Dr. 13 back-up, with Blue Beetle caught in the middle. From the groan inducing pun title to the surprise call back to 52 (Remember 52? The weekly series everyone liked?) to Eclipso refusing to take the blame for something its host body, Jean Loring, did, this title is a hoot and a half. So I was not prepared when Eclipso unleashed "the THE MONSTER WITHIN THE BLUE BEETLE". I just did not see that coming, yet it made so much sense.
But of course, the real shocker this week, and my hands down pick, was Green Lantern: Sinestro Corp Special. How good was this issue? Well let me put it to you this way: out of curiosity I picked it up to read in the store, and was so impressed that I felt I ought to buy it AND buy Green Lantern and Green Lantern Corps, which I don't usually get, just because I HAVE TO KNOW what happens next.
And you know what, that's a great feeling. Well played, DC, well played.
It's a great jumping on book. Like I said, I haven't been reading any Green Lantern title, but I didn't need to because Geoff Johns has filled the book with expository dialogue. There is literally only one important character who isn't named and explained, and even he's introduced in the backstory.
And stuff happens! More stuff happens in one issue than Brad Meltzer's entire Justice League run. Seriously, a plot is investigated, a hero is captured and tortured, an immense army is discovered, Oa is attacked, villains (plural) escape, and the big bad behind it all is revealed, and it's not who you think (unless you're Diamondrock who called it some time ago).
And then there are those shocks. Yes, it's Johns's weakness to go to sudden, bloody violence, but damn if the attack on Oa didn't get real involving real quick, and the most disturbing moment was actually the least bloody, just many rings flying away to look for new Lanterns.
And the villains. Okay, some were given away in the ads, some were extremely guessable, but one or two I just did not see coming, or rather, coming so soon! Stuff happens in the book I thought would wait until the end of Countdown, but it happens here and I just don't know what's going to happen next. I really don't know how our heroes are going to get out of this one, particularly considering that last page spread, that grouping of monsters and gods, and just who is bowing to whom.
But the most surprising moment of all?
The acorn on page 36.
[from the cover of Countdown #43, on sale in a week]
ROBIN: Okay, Wonder Girl, I've kept my eyes closed, what's the big surprise?
WONDER GIRL: Mmm, you smell so good.
R: I know.
WG: No, really. Really good. Strong.
R: It's Bat-Cologne. Now what's the surprise?
WG: Okay, open your eyes.
R: Oh. Oh god. Is, is that the Flash?
WG: Yes. Robin-- Tim. Bart is dead.
R: I know. They called me.
WG: They called you?
R: Well, ye--
WG: And they didn't call me?
R: You were busy. Fighting the Amazons. Or on the side of the Amazons. We weren't sure. How is that going, by the way?
WG: Don't change the subject. You knew?
R: Cassie, it happened two weeks ago. Jeez, look what they did to him. Burned and frozen and fried.
BEAST BOY: Yeah, but it was all the kicking that did it.
R: Oh hey Gar. Did you arrange this?
BB: Yeah...
R: Couldn't you have given him a closed casket funeral?
BB: ...
WG: Oh Tim! Another one of us is dead.
R: I know.
WG: First Superb--
BB: Shhh!
WG: I mean, Conner. Now Bart. Oh, why me?
R: Hey, I lost them too--
WG: But I loved them!
R: Are we really going to play this game?
WG: What game?
R: Whose life sucks more?
WG: You can't understand what I'm going through!
R: Are you sh**ing me? In the last few years, I've lost Bart, and Conner, and my FATHER, and my STEP-MOTHER, and my GIRLFRIEND, and my OTHER girlfriend, not to mention a whole CITY! What have you lost? You're a daughter of Zeus and a Wonder Woman-in-training: what do you care about us mortals?
BB: Tim, I understand. I lost my mother a few years ago...
R: Yeah? So did I, b****, but yours came back, didn't she?
BB: ..she might be crazy...
SPEEDY: I have A.I.D.S.
WG: Yes, we know.
S: No, guys, I mean, I have A.I.D.S. I'm dying. I'm going to be next.
R: Oh jeez, thanks. Like I wasn't depressed enough.
[Pause]
WG: Oh, I have an idea!
R: No.
WG: You didn't even let me tell you--
R: You want to bring Bart back from the dead.
WG: Well, why not?
BB: Because last time you tried to do that, you were brainwashed by a cult for a year and then later fell for a homicidal bizarro clone.
WG: But this time is different. THIS time we'll... we'll all hold up lighting rods! Yeah, and when the lightning hits our rods the energy will flow through us and give Bart back his life!
[Pause]
BB: Cassie, that is the f***ing stupidest idea I have ever heard.
WG: Can I help it if I want to do something? I'm losing friends left and right. Who will I lose next? What if it's Anita, or Greta? Oh my god, what if it's Cissie? Oh, how could I ever replace Arrowette?
S: Hey!
WG: Or when... A.I.D.S.-Lass here finally buys it, are we just going to let that happen too?
R: Cass, calm down.
WG: No, I will NOT calm down. You're right. I'm a goddess.
BB: Demi-goddess.
WG: I've been to Hell. I've punched Hades in the face. I have the power to do something about this and I WILL!
[WONDER GIRL flies away]
CYBORG'S CROTCH: That's not going to end well. Should we say something?
RAVEN'S CROTCH: Shhh! If we keep quiet, maybe they won't notice us.
In the grand tradition of Friday Night Fights and Thursday Night Thinking, the Roar of Comics is proud to present:
Bahlactus calls. We answer. He wants the very best in superhero violence, I give him battle to rock the cosmos!
In this corner, a man whose heartbeat is a thousand Hiroshimas, whose blood is the universal solvent, whose very stare drives all but the purest mad, the King Angel of the Bull Host of Heaven, ASMODEL!
And in this corner, he's faster than a speeding bullet, he's more powerful than a locomotive, he looks great in a tight blue suit. You know him. You love him, It's the Metropolis Kid, the Man of Tomorrow, the Real Steel Deal, SUPERMAN!
Ladies and Gentlemen,
LET'S GET READY TO
RUMBLE!
And the crowd goes wild!
Superman
Batman
Wonder Woman
Green Lantern (John Stewart, of course)
The Flash (Wally West, I guess...)
The Martian Manhunter (old look, please)
Hawkgirl (I'm a JLU fan, so sue me)
plus...
Aquaman (the new one, actually, He's a fun character)
Firestorm
The All-New Atom
Static (52 Universes. You telling me he's not in one of them?)
Black Canary
Fire and Ice
Green Lantern (Guy Gardner. Seriously, he adds personality to the team)
Plastic Man (see above)
Zatanna
Mr. Miracle (Shilo Norman)
Shining Knight (Ystin)
(oh screw it,)
Manhattan Guardian, Klarion, Bulleteer, and FRANKENSTEIN! too
The ghosts of Ralph and Sue Dibny
The Blue Beetle (though he should turn them down, considering they left him in space for a year!)
Zauriel
Red Tornado (shut up. I like him)
Oracle
Prince (Yes, Prince. Seriously, he's like Batman, but short and purple)
There's not much to say about today's "big news" beyond what Graeme McMillan says at the Savage Critics, but there was one thing I wanted to add. But even I think that talking about the "shocking" events in a comics that came out today deserves a SPOILERS warning and jump cut, so here it is:
SPOILERS!
Flash: the Fastest Man Alive #13 features the death of Bart Allen, a.k.a. the Flash, a.k.a. Impulse, and it's pretty unenjoyable, for all the reasons Graeme mentions: all the announcements this weekend about fake-out solicitations and relaunching the book made it pretty clear that Bart was not making it to the end of this book, making his death feel inevitable rather than surprising, and ending with his death makes the 12 previous issues seem pretty pointless.
All I wanted to add is that killing Impulse, of all characters, demonstrates that some people at DC just aren't interested in fun. Impulse was one of the more fun characters DC had. Thanks to a couple of accelerated bouts of aging, Bart may have looked like a teenager, but he was actually, roughly, six, and acted like it:
He saw the world in black and white morality, he thought in images not words, he wasn't that interested in girls, he had an incredibly short attention span, but he also truly loved his friends and family, when he wasn't annoying the hell out of them, and wanted to be a hero like his grandfather more than anything.
He could make you laugh, he could make you cry, and, occasionally, he could make you do both and save the universe at the same time. (Seriously, pick up Bart Saves the Universe for one of the cleverest and heart breaking time travel stories ever.)
I thought having him "grow up" in Teen Titans was a mistake that took away Bart's most charming feature, that he actually had difficulty taking superheroing seriously. Artificially aging him (again) into a whiny adult made him even less fun and further unrecognizable, and this made it all the more pointless. I mean, why seemingly kill Bart Allen in issue #4 of Infinite Crisis, only to bring him back in issue #7, if they just kill him again a little more than a year later? Couldn't he have stayed dead the first time?
Instead of just seeing Bart go out like a champ, taking out a monstrously powerful opponent, surrounded by his friends and family, we have to watch all the fun sucked out of him for a year before witnessing yet another member of Young Justice beaten to death for saving the world (Empress better watch her back, all I'm saying).
It's like they* weren't killing Bart Allen but the concept of fun itself: like the point of the story is that superheroes can't be kids pretending to be adults, saving the world with a laugh and occasionally learning lessons. No, superheroes have to be humorless mopes who are afraid of their own powers. And then they die.
*Not that I know who "they" are. I doubt it was issue scribe Mark Guggenheim, who was only recently added to the title. Dan Didio's interviews indicates that DC Editorial had planned on killing Bart Allen for a year now, so whose idea was it back then to have a humorless mini-series ending in Bart's death? Geoff Johns, who aged Bart and made Wally disappear? (apparently not) Mark Waid, who knew he was returning to The Flash, but for some reason didn't want to write Bart Allen, his own creation? or Dan "Enemy of Fun" Didio, who personally wants to ruin your childhood?
John from Cincinnati, HBO's replacement series for The Sopranos, from Deadwood creator David Milch, is about an enigmatic, detached stranger (who claims "the end is near") and the family of surfers he joins.
But, who is John, asks the show. Is he an alien? Is he Jesus? Is he both?
I mean, is he... this guy?
