Scene From A Funeral

[from the cover of Countdown #43, on sale in a week]



ROBIN: Okay, Wonder Girl, I've kept my eyes closed, what's the big surprise?

WONDER GIRL: Mmm, you smell so good.

R: I know.

WG: No, really. Really good. Strong.

R: It's Bat-Cologne. Now what's the surprise?

WG: Okay, open your eyes.

R: Oh. Oh god. Is, is that the Flash?

WG: Yes. Robin-- Tim. Bart is dead.

R: I know. They called me.

WG: They called you?

R: Well, ye--

WG: And they didn't call me?

R: You were busy. Fighting the Amazons. Or on the side of the Amazons. We weren't sure. How is that going, by the way?

WG: Don't change the subject. You knew?

R: Cassie, it happened two weeks ago. Jeez, look what they did to him. Burned and frozen and fried.

BEAST BOY: Yeah, but it was all the kicking that did it.

R: Oh hey Gar. Did you arrange this?

BB: Yeah...

R: Couldn't you have given him a closed casket funeral?

BB: ...

WG: Oh Tim! Another one of us is dead.

R: I know.

WG: First Superb--

BB: Shhh!

WG: I mean, Conner. Now Bart. Oh, why me?

R: Hey, I lost them too--

WG: But I loved them!

R: Are we really going to play this game?

WG: What game?

R: Whose life sucks more?

WG: You can't understand what I'm going through!

R: Are you sh**ing me? In the last few years, I've lost Bart, and Conner, and my FATHER, and my STEP-MOTHER, and my GIRLFRIEND, and my OTHER girlfriend, not to mention a whole CITY! What have you lost? You're a daughter of Zeus and a Wonder Woman-in-training: what do you care about us mortals?

BB: Tim, I understand. I lost my mother a few years ago...

R: Yeah? So did I, b****, but yours came back, didn't she?

BB: ..she might be crazy...

SPEEDY: I have A.I.D.S.

WG: Yes, we know.

S: No, guys, I mean, I have A.I.D.S. I'm dying. I'm going to be next.

R: Oh jeez, thanks. Like I wasn't depressed enough.

[Pause]

WG: Oh, I have an idea!

R: No.

WG: You didn't even let me tell you--

R: You want to bring Bart back from the dead.

WG: Well, why not?

BB: Because last time you tried to do that, you were brainwashed by a cult for a year and then later fell for a homicidal bizarro clone.

WG: But this time is different. THIS time we'll... we'll all hold up lighting rods! Yeah, and when the lightning hits our rods the energy will flow through us and give Bart back his life!

[Pause]

BB: Cassie, that is the f***ing stupidest idea I have ever heard.

WG: Can I help it if I want to do something? I'm losing friends left and right. Who will I lose next? What if it's Anita, or Greta? Oh my god, what if it's Cissie? Oh, how could I ever replace Arrowette?

S: Hey!

WG: Or when... A.I.D.S.-Lass here finally buys it, are we just going to let that happen too?

R: Cass, calm down.

WG: No, I will NOT calm down. You're right. I'm a goddess.

BB: Demi-goddess.

WG: I've been to Hell. I've punched Hades in the face. I have the power to do something about this and I WILL!

[WONDER GIRL flies away]

CYBORG'S CROTCH: That's not going to end well. Should we say something?

RAVEN'S CROTCH: Shhh! If we keep quiet, maybe they won't notice us.

JLA/Batman Syndrome

Hyper-Competency in Team Setting Disorder, or "JLA/Batman Syndrome", is a disease of writing in which an under-powered character, in order to be useful in a team setting with much more powerful allies, is written as much more capable than he is in his own titles. Symptoms include: heightened intelligence, strength and speed, the inability to make or appreciate jokes; a lack of fear; obsessive devotion to "The Mission"; prone to bouts of anger and frustration with his teammates for having neither the training nor commitment he has.

Named for Grant Morrison's handling of Batman in JLA (where a character that occasionally has trouble fighting more than four street punks at the same time could run headlong into four Superman-level Martians and beat them handily, off-panel), this malady has the paradoxical result of taking the most physically human characters and rendering them the most emotionally inhuman.

While Batman is the most famous sufferer of this disease, his sidekick Robin suffers from it that much worse. Batman is always somewhat distant, calculating, and scary, but Robin is much more cheerful and emotional, prone to crack jokes after a fight or freak out a bit when encountering the fantastic.

In fact, in his own title, Robin freaks out A LOT! Seeing a demon baring down on him, Robin gets scared. Losing a lead, he might doubt himself. Captured by the Joker, Robin might begin to panic. Not that his fear cripples him, he still saves the day, but it gives him a relatable moment. In his own title, Robin is allowed to be Tim Drake, teenager, high schooler, awkward dater, recent orphan, and all-around human being.

But put Robin on a team with a kid who runs at the speed of light or an Amazonian powerhouse, and JLA/Batman Syndrome kicks in. To prove that he has a right to stand with these young gods, these teen titans, Robin has to be written as more than human, a Nietzschean Übermensch, who does not let human concerns get in the way of his goal.

It would be neat if this was intentional on Robin's part, if Tim Drake was purposefully putting on an act to hide his insecurities and fears, but I've seen little evidence of that. Only once in Young Justice did I recognize the Tim Drake I knew from his own series. Forced to play baseball to stop a fleet of aliens from invading a planet based on 1930s Brooklyn, Robin just breaks down in the locker room, questioning not only his place in this cosmic and bizarre setting, but also his very sanity. But he realizes he has to suck it up and go back out there, because his team depends on him. That was something I could latch onto, something I could feel for.

But too often it is not an act at all, but the terrible writing disease tearing Robin in two. But there is a cure! Writers on team books just have to remember he doesn't have to be written as Batman-Lite. He can, in fact, be written as Robin, the Boy Wonder, the kid detective, the laughing daredevil, the little ninja, the human protagonist in a crazy world. These are all different, interesting, and, dare I say, FUN ways to approach the character, and they are all already present in his own monthly title. So please, let him be human again, and working together, we can make a better world.

Operators are standing by.