Scene From A Funeral

[from the cover of Countdown #43, on sale in a week]



ROBIN: Okay, Wonder Girl, I've kept my eyes closed, what's the big surprise?

WONDER GIRL: Mmm, you smell so good.

R: I know.

WG: No, really. Really good. Strong.

R: It's Bat-Cologne. Now what's the surprise?

WG: Okay, open your eyes.

R: Oh. Oh god. Is, is that the Flash?

WG: Yes. Robin-- Tim. Bart is dead.

R: I know. They called me.

WG: They called you?

R: Well, ye--

WG: And they didn't call me?

R: You were busy. Fighting the Amazons. Or on the side of the Amazons. We weren't sure. How is that going, by the way?

WG: Don't change the subject. You knew?

R: Cassie, it happened two weeks ago. Jeez, look what they did to him. Burned and frozen and fried.

BEAST BOY: Yeah, but it was all the kicking that did it.

R: Oh hey Gar. Did you arrange this?

BB: Yeah...

R: Couldn't you have given him a closed casket funeral?

BB: ...

WG: Oh Tim! Another one of us is dead.

R: I know.

WG: First Superb--

BB: Shhh!

WG: I mean, Conner. Now Bart. Oh, why me?

R: Hey, I lost them too--

WG: But I loved them!

R: Are we really going to play this game?

WG: What game?

R: Whose life sucks more?

WG: You can't understand what I'm going through!

R: Are you sh**ing me? In the last few years, I've lost Bart, and Conner, and my FATHER, and my STEP-MOTHER, and my GIRLFRIEND, and my OTHER girlfriend, not to mention a whole CITY! What have you lost? You're a daughter of Zeus and a Wonder Woman-in-training: what do you care about us mortals?

BB: Tim, I understand. I lost my mother a few years ago...

R: Yeah? So did I, b****, but yours came back, didn't she?

BB: ..she might be crazy...

SPEEDY: I have A.I.D.S.

WG: Yes, we know.

S: No, guys, I mean, I have A.I.D.S. I'm dying. I'm going to be next.

R: Oh jeez, thanks. Like I wasn't depressed enough.

[Pause]

WG: Oh, I have an idea!

R: No.

WG: You didn't even let me tell you--

R: You want to bring Bart back from the dead.

WG: Well, why not?

BB: Because last time you tried to do that, you were brainwashed by a cult for a year and then later fell for a homicidal bizarro clone.

WG: But this time is different. THIS time we'll... we'll all hold up lighting rods! Yeah, and when the lightning hits our rods the energy will flow through us and give Bart back his life!

[Pause]

BB: Cassie, that is the f***ing stupidest idea I have ever heard.

WG: Can I help it if I want to do something? I'm losing friends left and right. Who will I lose next? What if it's Anita, or Greta? Oh my god, what if it's Cissie? Oh, how could I ever replace Arrowette?

S: Hey!

WG: Or when... A.I.D.S.-Lass here finally buys it, are we just going to let that happen too?

R: Cass, calm down.

WG: No, I will NOT calm down. You're right. I'm a goddess.

BB: Demi-goddess.

WG: I've been to Hell. I've punched Hades in the face. I have the power to do something about this and I WILL!

[WONDER GIRL flies away]

CYBORG'S CROTCH: That's not going to end well. Should we say something?

RAVEN'S CROTCH: Shhh! If we keep quiet, maybe they won't notice us.

What's this fight doing over here?

Remember last month when I was bitching about not actually seeing the Batman/Karate Kid fight in Justice League #8? Well, look what shows up, just in time for Friday Night Fights!

Those are from the preview of Countdown #50. And as sweet as it looks, I kind of wish I had seen this fight in the book I actually paid money for to see it in, not in a separate book I didn't even know was related. That's dirty pool, DC!

Monitoring the Set

So now I've actually read Countdown #1, erm, #51 and I'm just not sure I'm on for the ride, which seems to be the general consensus.

I mean, I liked 52. I like Paul Dini. The art's pretty good. So what's wrong?

I think the problem is the Monitors.

As a concept, I've never liked the Monitor. Not only did he have a name that might as well have been "Not-the-Watcher", but DC Comics already had an omniscient expositor, and he's got better fashion sense. Furthermore, while I like continuity, I don't like stories that are about continuity, and the Monitor was entirely about was protecting continuity (or, as he called it, "reality").

So I wasn't exactly thrilled to see that the new multi-verse comes with a complete set of Nu-Monitors.


Yes, as Diamondrock points out, the Monitors act as continuity cops, correcting confusing continuity errors... "with EXTREME PREJUDICE!" < wailing guitars > But they won't, as he hopes, reduce the "porousness" of the multi-verse since any story with the Monitors will feature someone jumping between worlds, if only to get shot. By their very existence, the Monitors will only increase the porousness. Similarly, stories with the Monitors will increase the number of stories that are about the existence of the multi-verse, rather than simply set in it.

And Countdown looks like it's going to follow the same pattern. Andrew Hickey, at his new Countdown Blog, points out that the characters featured in the first issue, and those slated to appear, are the stress points of DC continuity: characters that are "supposed" to be dead, like Jason Todd and those whose histories contradict "official" canon, like Duela Dent, which implies the story will be about their status as continuity question marks.

Which could not interest me less. Stories intended to solve continuity problems, turning editorial errors into story engines, also turn compelling characters into walking plot points. Donna Troy is not interesting because her origin got screwed up by constant re-writes. She's interesting in spite of it (if she's interesting at all). So centering a plot on how much her background doesn't make sense is like...

It's like seeing a play with an amazing, intricate set. Something truly spectacular to look at. But the play itself is just characters talking about the set, either how pretty it is or how bizarre or just detailing how each piece fits together. As a guy who built sets in college, sure, I might find it interesting to know how it was built, but I'm not sure I could stand the characters in the play just gabbing about it and nothing else for two hours, with a fifteen minute intermission.

And all the Monitors seem to do is walk onto sets, shout "That tree is made out of cardboard!" then shoot the first character who knocks down the 2-D tree.

Maybe it's too soon to make the call, and I will pick up the next issue (especially since it looks like it features Jimmy Olsen vs. Dini's take on the Joker). But I know that 52 wow'ed me AND set up its theme of change in its first issue; and Countdown just didn't. So before I can commit another $150 dollars and a year's time to this thing, I need to know it's about more than just cardboard cut-outs.

Guess Who's Back. Back Again.

My MySpace account finally pays off and I get a preview of DC's new weekly, Countdown.

And it looks like Darkseid's back, still playing with his HeroClix:


I mean, it's cool and all that Paul Dini and Co. are not being coy about who the bad guys are, and Darkseid's desire to be the architect of the new universe nicely ties this series into the underlying theme of 52, but it's hard to look at an Evil Space Tyrant looming over detailed models of his enemies and not think of this: